Finding God

This year I attended my first HELM conference, which was located in Colorado Springs. The theme of this conference was learning how to articulate our faith in a positive way. Its goal was to teach us skills that we could use during conversations of controversial topics without offending the opposite party. During this conference, I went through a huge religious awakening.

Growing up, I have always been skeptical about God, and about my religion. I always went to church every week and stayed very active in my church, but I often questioned stories in the Bible that seemed so unreal they were almost impossible to believe. I tried to believe, but then I would often find my mind wondering off, asking questions. As a very opinionated teenager, I found it hard to let myself just believe in my faith and throw out logical facts that led my mind in other directions. I partly blame science for my skepticism and partly myself for letting my mind go to other conclusions. At the HELM conference, something different happened to me that helped me confirm my faith, so that I would not question it.

We met for Saturday night worship in a beautiful cabin. At worship, we were given a 30-minute moment of silence. During this silence there were different prayer stations set up that we could go to. Candles lit the room while we walked around deciding where to pray. A labyrinth taped to the floor inspired prayer, and there were people who would help you pray if you needed guidance. First, I went to a station that had a bowl of mustard seeds sitting on the table and scripture lying beside it. I said a small prayer after reading the words of scripture and picked up a tiny mustard seed. Then, I went to Caroline, a senior HELM fellow who plans to go to seminary after graduation. She led me through a prayer since I sometimes have a hard time finding the words I want to say. I asked her to pray for strength to stay close with God and to be given the ability to apply the skills I had learned that weekend to articulate my faith in a positive way. During this prayer, I fell into tears. I realized I had not been living the life God had set out for me. I realized I needed to stop questioning my religion. I felt God's presence in the room. I felt God for the first time in my life, and I knew he was proud of me for finally coming to him. This was the first time I had found God, and I finally felt what others talk about when they tell their stories about finding God.

Since I have been back to school from my HELM conference, I have felt more confidence in myself through God. During our Disciples on Campus meetings, I find myself answering questions and speaking my opinions. Before, I would stay quiet and listen to others. I also started reading my Bible more often, which has helped my faith grow stronger. I am looking forward to discovering the journey God has planned for me in 2011.

Paige Westerhausen is in first year as a HELM Leadership Fellow and is a member of First Christian Church (Disciples of Christ) in Virden, Illinois.