Heavenly intervention

I am entering a new phase in my life. I am transitioning from being a college student, residing between adulthood and the teenage years, to becoming an adult. I am financially independent, and in a couple of weeks, I will have my very own apartment.

This time in my life is teaching me a lot about life and the things that matter. I used to believe it was important to buy name brand groceries at the supermarket; these days, not so much. It is all about stretching money, something I never worried about when my parents took care of the bills. I spent my money and assumed that more would be coming sometime in the near future, living for the day. Today, I buy Kroger brand cereal, sauces, and just about anything for which I cannot justify spending more. I do still splurge from time to time when I can somehow rationalize it. Mostly, though, my mother's advice about spending and staying focused has become more useful than ever. Whenever I need advice, she always has something good to say; after all, she has been there.

In the same manner, I am realizing the importance of listening to God, and leaning on him for guidance. Just when I believe I have it all figured out, he shows me just how lost I truly am.

This summer I am working an internship at a customs brokerage firm during the day and at a restaurant at night and on the weekends. I assumed that because I am not in school for the summer, I may as well work and save money for the year, when I am back to being a part-time employee at the restaurant, and a full-time student. I was excited about the prospect of juggling the two jobs because I wanted to show everyone that I can handle things on my own; and that as a rising college senior, I am ready for the world.

Most days I wake up around 6:30 to be at my internship by 8:00, get off at 2:00 to be at the restaurant by 4:00, and then work there until I get off between 9:00 and 10:00. On the two days per week when I do not work at the restaurant, I run errands, and occasionally take a nap. In the midst of this I am getting things squared away for my apartment, preparing to make the move. Because of my new found responsibility I have found myself a lot more stressed than normal. No matter how tired I am, there is always work to be done, so I go and go, never giving myself permission to take a break. In my desire to prove myself to everyone, I have neglected the most important thing, my sanity.

God brought that reality front and center recently when I had a panic attack in the middle of my shift at the restaurant. I have never been one to fall apart in public, or in private for that matter. I don't like to feel weak or that I am not in control. In the middle of helping a guest, I felt the wind leave my body, and suddenly nothing felt right. I started heaving, sure I had a wild look in my eyes from the shock I felt at having actually reached a point at which I could not pretend to be all right. I finally had to admit I was having problems. I pride myself at the fact that I never ask for help and was mortified at what was happening.

As I breathing into the brown paper bag I knew God was giving me permission to slow down. Working myself into an early grave was not the only way to provide the things I need. Even though I had not asked for help, or even seemed like I needed it on the outside, God told me that he was there. He let me know that I needed him, even when I didn't want to. He does that to me a lot, as I typically have to learn from my own mistakes. This time, God was showing me that my hard head was taking me down a road of self destruction is a tricky one. I have been depriving myself of life, literally. Through my attack, God told me that it was time to begin a new path, and that is precisely what I am trying to do these days.

For the most part growing up has been about rules and guidelines, not the free for all that I dreamed of as a child. Like most other children, I wanted so badly to be in charge, and to not have to let others tell me what to do. Growing up, we all want to drive ourselves around, come and go as we please, and have absolutely no rules. The irony is that living life without having someone else calling the shots comes with its own set of rules. There are those rule that are explicitly written out like "Thou shall not kill," and there are those unspoken but equally important ones, such as taking care of one's sanity. God was trying to show me the latter. Proving for myself financially matters not if I do not take the time to relax and enjoy life. It's funny that that sounds irresponsible in my mind, yet it is so paramount in life. God intervened and showed me that there is more to life than demonstrating my independence, rather that I am not truly independent if I cannot feasibly take care of myself and my affairs.

Right now I am trying to cut back. It is very difficult, as I have already begun a pattern of "work work work". Now I have to unlearn the things I taught myself, and to begin to listen more to the lessons that God teaches. God wants us all to enjoy the life he has given us. Even when there is a laundry list of chores to tend to, and there always will be, we all need to remember to slow down and do something to preserve our spirits. God wants us to be happy and healthy, and even when we forget that, he will always step in to remind us of that fact.