Light in a dismal place

The past semester has been a difficult one for me. Between issues in my personal life and at school, I have struggled to stay afloat in the midst of all of the problems. I have had to cope with death in my family, an extremely challenging course load, financial issues, friendships left hanging by a thread due to my overwhelming circumstances, and even unprecedented criticism for my beliefs.

In the midst of all of the issues I dealt with, God gave me some hope. In November, I went to Dallas for the annual HELM Leadership Fellows conference. At the HELM conference every year the Leadership Fellows come together to fellowship, dream, and just hang out away from the hustle and bustle of our daily lives. It is the one time a year that many of us have the opportunity to interact with each other since we come from schools all over the country. It is also one of the only times a year that I get to be around people who, in many ways, believe in the same things I believe in and have the same commitment to serving others that I have.

I consider myself a pretty liberal person, and I often struggle to find other Christians who are like me, willing to embrace all people. This could largely have to do with my living in the Bible Belt, the most judgmental and unwelcoming place for a liberal such as myself. For this reason, I look forward to the HELM conference with anticipation.

The conference is always great, but this year the conference exceeded all of my expectations. A major part of the weekend is getting to hear from speakers who invest their time, talents, and energies in us. This year, they all had something for me. I could relate to all of their messages, and it seemed as if God was telling them just what to say to lift my spirits. Before going to the conference and hearing from the resource staff and other fellows, life had trampled me, and my spirit was broken. I had begun to question myself in areas that I have always possessed confidence; but just when it seemed that I had lost myself, I received fulfillment.

I remember hearing a story from Bill Thomas about a tragic death that had happened in his family that seemed to mirror my life this semester. He told this story as a reflection of a time when he felt he had truly experienced God. His story stayed in my mind over the weekend; and I began to think that maybe God wanted me to see him in the midst of all of the trials and tribulations that seemed to engulf my life. I began to reflect, focusing on the few good times I had experienced this semester, and I realized that I had more to celebrate than I thought I had. There I was in the company of people who potentially had the same problems, but who had so much light in their lives.

Then I thought of Jenny. Jenny Faenza was a Leadership Fellow who had more circumstances that ailed her than the rest of us collectively, and she passed away three weeks after last year's conference. Yet her light illuminated the room every time she was near. Even the memory of her could bring a smile to the most hopeless face. I reflected on these things, and for the moment I was okay. I realized that God knows me, and he knows that I can handle any strife he brings to my life. God is giving me experiences that will guide my walk with him, serving others.

It is truly a wonderful experience when you find light in murky waters, when you learn to swim when it seems like the only option is drowning in a sea of worry and pain. I had that experience in Dallas this year. The best piece of knowledge I can impart to people at this stage, is to encourage everyone to look for those sources of revitalization and to hold on to them. We never know when those sources will be all we have to draw on, to make us better, and to push us to keep moving forward. They were all I had this semester, and I am grateful they were there when it seemed that I was losing myself.