Cluelessness to definition and back again

College has been a terrific journey for me. My experience at Rhodes has taken me through so many phases, all of which I am grateful. I enjoyed every clueless moment of freshman year, the difficulty of my sophomore semester, the self-actualization that I began junior year, and even coming full circle, back to cluelessness as I prepare to transition to the next phase after senior year. For me college has been everything it was supposed to have been and more. All of my anticipations and expectations have been fulfilled. Each year has been rich and has helped me understand myself a little more each year. Each of the last three years has been drastically different in terms of the lessons I have learned. It was truly God ordering my steps, laying it all out in a way I could digest from freshman year until now.

As a freshman I remember being confronted with contentious questions about my spirituality. I had so many questions. That year in Professor Gray's class I considered whether there would be life after death or death after life. He really pushed me to answer my own questions in reference to the readings. Each one contained a new puzzle, ones I thought I had already figured; but in reality I was missing all of the important pieces. I wondered why lessons I learned at G.A.M.E (God And Me Eternally) contradicted what I studied in my Search classes at school. Furthermore, I wondered, what implications those contradictions had for my life. That same year I was introduced to Jonathan Kozol, whose books have changed my life forever. His book "Savage Inequalities" ignited a passion for educational advocacy in me. His refusal to accept inequalities in America's public education system taught me that tolerance is not viable when dealing with justice. Some things should come automatically, as a consequence of living. Freshman year was a time for soaking in the newness. I spent that year mostly in awe. I was in awe of the college experience, pleased with myself for "being on my own", and excited about the years to come. That's what freshman year was about. Discovering everything and realizing that I knew nothing before.

Sophomore year I was a little surer of myself. New freshman came in, and I had something I could impart to them. Much of the newness had worn off, and in my mind I was a long way from the person I had been in high school. That was the year I fell in love with Washington, D.C. I already loved the vicinity itself, but sophomore year was the year I developed a love for the action that happens there. This was a result of the political science class I took. Professor Lexi got me interested in politics and seriously considering the impact I can make in the world. I had always been told I could make a difference, but never really considered it until I took her class. I was beginning to define some things. I learned later that definition would be the theme of sophomore year. My life had changed since high school, but now instead of just this unidentifiable mess of questions, it was beginning to take shape. What that shape was, I didn't know, but something was happening nevertheless.

Junior year came, and to my surprise I was still confused. Up to this point I had discovered education as a passion, an interest in politics, even a new outlook in my spiritual life. But these didn't come alone. I also decided to really invest in becoming a television personality and advocating on behalf of women's rights. I belonged to the Vagina Monologues leadership team, was on the executive board for the Rhodes chapter of Voices for Planned Parenthood, and was the Kinney Coordinator for Women's services. My interests were all over the place. I was overcommitted last year, and nothing made it easy to figure out the next move. I dealt with these things in the two previous years, but the fact that I was moving closer and closer to graduation made it unsettling. In the midst of all the confusion, however, I realized that my life was at least heading in one general direction. God was using all of the things I was interested in to show me that he has a plan. I had not become involved in all of my on campus activities haphazardly, but as a result of God placing certain people in my life. For instance, my friend Ciara introduced me to women's organizations on campus. She also possessed all of the qualities that my sanguine personality overshadows in myself, such as organization and time management. I learned that there is a method within the madness of my life.

I am a person of many hats, and although this can be destructive, it also allows me to function well in any situation. I can roll with the punches and take life's puzzling moments as they come. Now as a senior I am back to a state of confusion. Unlike freshman year, however, I do at least have an idea of what I am supposed to do. Now it's all about creating an action plan. The reality is that after the constant state of transition in college ends, I will be in a new kind of transition in the "real world." This time, however, I am prepared. God has shown me that I can deal with life's changes and how much better those changes can make me. In deciding the next step, I have vacillated between going straight to get a master's degree in Education Policy and Leadership, or looking for opportunities to break into television, or going abroad and traveling until I figure the next step, or many other scenarios. To those on the outside, watching me bounce back and forth my life may appear aimless or disorganized. To me, however, it is the most secure place I have ever experienced. I know what I will do eventually, and for now I am OK with making up the steps to get there as I go along.