OK, God, I'm listening

As a kid I always assumed that I would have my life figured out by the time I was in high school. In high school I determined that I could put that off for college. By the time I reached freshman year at TCU I thought that having a plan by senior year would be a piece of cake. But here I sit as a senior (gosh, I hate writing that), and I feel no more progress deciphering my life's call than I did as a kid.

This frustration has been building up for a while, and early last week I found myself sitting on my grandmother's couch, tearing up because I simply didn't know where to even start with plans for next year. She listened politely as I rattled off all the options for my future and nodded along as I voiced my uncertainties. But at the end of my rant she simply asked me one question, "Merillat, are you talking to Him?"

I wish I could have told her I was talking to Him, faithfully and consistently, but that would be a stretch. Sure I pray. I pray sporadically through the day when something upsetting arises or when I find myself so happy to be alive that I can hardly stand it. Yet if I am honest with myself, I am doing an awful lot of talking and very little listening. In the midst of everything swirling around me, the last thing I am often thinking about is sitting down and listening to someone that is seemingly so hard to hear. Even if I do convince myself that I need to stop, I can hardly keep myself still enough to rid my mind of the excess and focus only on the essential voice of God. I know, though, from scripture and from the mentors of my faith that the Lord's voice is there and I must merely seek it. So here starts my attempt to do so.

I never thought it would be this hard. I have always thought I was a reasonably willing person. After all, my favorite hymn is "Here I Am, Lord." That is not enough though. I must enter a period in my life where I take the time to discern the will of God in my life, a time where I must seek the Lord's guidance not only in my day-to-day conflicts but in the deep search for my purpose. I have no doubt, this will take more discipline that I have ever employed. However, at the end of this period of reflection, I hope I will emerge with a calling. Maybe not a calling for the rest of my life, but a calling for the year that comes after that diploma is placed in my hand. Hopefully in a month or two I will be able to say confidently "Yes, Mimi, I am."