This year I held a leadership position on an on-campus organization. Our organization had become the second largest organization at Indiana Wesleyan University. The increase in the membership total was a direct reflection in the increase of responsibility held by the leaders of the organization. Our organization's sponsor had great expectations for us leaders. This is where the second definition of failing comes into play.

To fail: To disappoint or prove undependable to another.

When I spoke with the sponsor, he voiced everything that I was afraid to hear. He explained the vision he had had for the position that I currently held. After which, he explained his vision that he had had for me as an individual. He then went on to verbally bullet point all the reasons why I did not portray his vision over the past year. Lastly, he told me that securing a spot on the cabinet for the 2006-2007 school year looked very grim.

You can imagine, for someone who has never failed on a large-scale, how this would have affected me. I had felt as though someone had punched me in the stomach, causing me to choke on a gigantic ball of mediocrity. Not being able to perform optimally in one area of my life had led me to believe that I had failed in all areas. There was nothing I could do but cry. A sense of control had also been stripped away from me. It was as though I was sitting unfastened on a roller coaster ride into what was now the unknown future. I had let my sponsor down, my organization down, myself down, and, what killed the most, was feeling as though I had let God down.

There had to be a huge message in all of this. Frantically, I flipped through my Bible, praying that the Lord show me what I was supposed to do from this point. Rather showing me what I am supposed to do, He showed me what I had done.

Romans 12:3, "Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you." Ouch. That was the only thing I could say after I had read that verse: ouch. At some point I had began to consider myself superwoman. I thought I could do it all, and do it all at an exemplary level. More importantly, I thought I could do it all on my own. This past semester has been one great reality check. I am notorious for seeking affirmation through authority figures. The Lord knew what it would take to get through to me. It took having the man that I respect the most on this campus telling me that I had failed before I had even thought to reevaluate my lifestyle.

After a lot of prayerful concern, God showed me that the order in which I had my priorities were completely erroneous. Putting the Lord first and the love for others second was all I needed to do. Instead of focusing on how much I can do quantitatively, the Lord showed me that I need to focus on how much I can do qualitatively to impact the Heavenly kingdom.

As a result, I have cut a few activities next year in hopes of really strengthening my grace given gifts and having a bigger impact with my ministry. The few things that I do next year will be fully to the glory of Christ Jesus. I am forgetting what is behind and excited to see what is ahead. I may not have complete control, but with the Lord at the wheel and myself in the passenger's seat, I could not feel more secure.

Mandy Ogunnowo is in her second year as a HELM Leadership Fellow and is a member of First Christian Church (Disciples of Christ) in Lawrence, Kansas.

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