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HELMdisciples.org > About HELM > HELM Leadership Fellows > Caroline Hamilton
March 5, 2010

The cry of my soul?

Caroline Hamilton When Dr. Middleton first announced the class in our religion department luncheon, I dismissed it. Sounds cool, I thought, but it's a graduate level class, I have a heavy workload planned for the spring, and I haven't ever read anything by Nikos Kazantzakis. I don't even know how to pronounce Nikos Kazantzakis.

The idea stuck with me though, and the flyer in my backpack kept forcing itself to my attention. "Theological Themes in Literature: Nikos Kazantzakis." A really great class to have on my transcripts when I apply to graduate school. Dr. Joey Jeter's last semester at Brite. Dr. Darren Middleton, renowned Kazantzakis scholar (and one of my favorite TCU professors). Exactly the kind of thing I want to teach someday. So I went to Dr. Middleton and asked if I could handle the course load, if I would be at a disadvantage compared to the graduate students in the class, and if I would like reading something by Kazantzakis (really, would I like to spend three months reading A LOT of Kazantzakis?). He assured me I could, I wouldn't, and of course I would. On Dr. Middleton's word, I signed up, not without trepidation. Little did I know this course would have such an effect on my faith. (And it is only February.)

Two quotes from Report to Greco, Kazantzakis's autobiographical novel:

    "I said to the almond tree: 'Sister, speak to me of God'
    and the almond tree blossomed."

    "My entire soul is a cry, and all my work a commentary on that cry."

I struggle with Kazantzakis. At one moment I am in raptures over his insights on our call to live as beloved children becoming one with our God. The next moment I am yelling at the pages, frustrated with his bloody imagery and violent metaphors.

But what strikes me most in the quotes above is the absolute commitment to living a life worthy of the call of God. The cry of the soul of the almond tree is to glorify her creator. The cry of Kazantzakis's soul is his writing; he climbs the ascent, following the path of Christ, in order to reach unity. As I read his words, I find myself continually wondering, what is the Cry of my soul?

I want my answer to be Love. Unconditional, unbiased, humble, gracious love. I want my answer to be loving you as Christ loves us. I want my answer to be justice, kindness, and humility empowered by the Spirit of God. But, honestly, I have to continue asking myself, is my cry success? Recognition? An 'A' on a paper? A little more sleep? A little less worry?

In response to these questions, my prayer has become "Create in me a Clean Heart, my God, and renew a right spirit within me. Make my soul cry out your name, your grace, your love."

My prayer for us is that we might hear the Cry. Hear the cry of the people who are broken. Hear the Cry for justice and for peace. Hear the Cry of our God who wants nothing more than to be one with us once again. Hear the cry of our souls, and hear them crying with abandon, "Crazy Love!"

Caroline's previous stories:
Caroline Hamilton is in her third year as a HELM Leadership Fellow and is a member of First Christian Church (Disciples of Christ) in Lewisville, Texas.


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