A constant haze of questions

My summer has been spent doing a lot of soul searching. It seems as if I have hit a wall, one which I can not seem to ignore, avoid, or get around. Life is a blur to me right now. From being sure that I am choosing an academic path that reflects not only my own vision but God’s plan as well, to deciding whether to keep my inner circle as it is or begin to shift some people out of my life, and even knowing whether or not my current church home is where I am supposed to be, I am at a loss.

Even the philosophy that should make up the core of who I am is under renovation. Questions like: Do I believe that there is good in humanity? Certainly there is good in individuals, but is the good found in certain individuals achieved in spite of our nature. Questions like this one are among the most prevalent in my mind because they help me understand who I am in Christ and what is my place in his Kingdom. How? The Christian belief system is a school of philosophy and in answering life’s questions, and I want to be sure that my answers line up with the teachings of Christian school. From the moment I realized that this is what it will take for me to personally be able to grow spiritually in Christ, I’ve been falling through a constant haze of questions about this or that, never exactly sure, never seeming to hit the concrete of revelation.

The place I am stuck in reminds me of Dante’s journey through the inferno in the Divine Comedy. I get to this one level only to realize that there is more I must learn or attempt to figure out. I guess this is what I get for choosing to philosophize about life. The irony in all of this is that I am not at all miserable in the place I where is currently reside. I see this as an opportunity to become closer to God. I firmly believe that questioning God is the only way to strengthen my relationship with him. I feel that he wants us to ask him why, because God wants an army of people who are equipped to fight his battles in all areas of life. I feel it is my duty to challenge certain beliefs that have always been consistent with the Christian faith. We learn by being stuck and then figuring out how to find our ways through to haze of life.

I guess I am in the rebellion phase of my walk, in that I cannot simply accept the information that is thrown my way, but I have to make sure that it is the best information to believe in. This is a part of my hard-headed nature. As my pastor always says, I have to “know that I know what I know;” otherwise, in advocating on behalf of it, I am doing it an injustice. In this case the “it” is my understanding of who God is, who Christ is, and how that relates to me. The stage I am in has so much potential. Potential to be detrimental, yes, but it also has the potential to develop me into a true woman of God. I believe in my heart of hearts that this will be the stage of life I learn the most from and will make me stronger and more useful to God. Unless I experience this rebellious stage I know I will never be a true Christian Disciple. I will never be content simply with believing in the things I was taught to believe in, but I have to seek truth for myself.

Courtney Waters is in her first year as a HELM Leadership Fellow and is a member of New Direction Christian Church (Disciples of Christ) in Memphis.