Loneliness

For most of my life, I've never had copious amounts of friends. I've always had good friends, but never many. And I'm okay with that. But leaving for college was hard for all of us in my tight-knit group of friends. Most of us had known each other since elementary school and we all chose different schools around the country. I knew it would be hard to find the support group I had back home, but also knew that I had to try because things weren't ever going to be the same again.

The residence hall to which I was assigned is very social. Each quad has four double rooms, their own bathroom, and common room. At the beginning of the year I knew I was going to have to take initiative to get to know fellow residents. So I took "laps" around the quads. Most people left their doors open, so I popped my head in to first introduce myself and then to talk and to get to know them. I knew everyone's name very quickly and felt I was laying groundwork for solid, long-lasting friendships like the ones I had back home. I kind of limited myself to just hanging out with the people in my surrounding quads. It was nice in a way because you didn't have to go very far to hang out with friends.

But at the same time it was really hard to get to know other people on campus when you were always in one place. And to truly know a person when you've only met them a few weeks earlier is pretty much impossible. My part of the dorm is overwhelmingly male (three guy quads to one girl quad). These boys needed (and still need) to be taken care of. And because I have two younger brothers and being a couple months older than all of them made this any easy role to fill. However this wasn't a role I enjoyed most of the time. I wanted to be a friend, not a mom! The mom role kind of left me out of social events. The friends I thought I had made earlier in the semester slowly changed and hung out with new people and left me out of their social activities. And as a result, by the end of the semester I felt very alone. There were a few people I could talk to around here, but most of the time I ended up feeling like everyone was too busy for me and that everyone was out to find what was best for them.

It was really, really hard to be so far away from home and feel like you have no true friends around. I didn't know where I belonged and what role I played. But despite all the loneliness I felt, I remembered God was, and is, always with me. It didn't matter how much I felt that I didn't fit in, God is always there. And I never have to worry about feeling excluded at church or with God. With God, I'll "never walk alone" and God can help me through anything if I let God (that's the hard part!).

As for fitting in this semester? I still hang out with my "first-semester" friends, but I have a new group where I feel like I belong. They're all girls still in my res hall (which is incredibly convenient) that are genuinely nice and welcoming people. And after my mother's badgering over the phone I finally went to the Christian student group on campus and immediately felt welcomed and loved by other Christ-followers. It's nice to have a place where you belong and "where everyone knows your name" (yes, I did just rip that from the "Cheers" theme song). With God and Jesus I hope everyone finds that sense of love and belonging. I know I certainly do.