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The HELM General Assembly Players are:

Host: Dennis Landon
Sidekick: Brad Lyons

Team One:
Esther Lee
Kelly Rand
Ralph Wesley
Diana Batzka

Team Two:
Rebekah Cypert
Felicia Wright
Leslie Dobyns
Chris Miller-McLemore
Carissa Cullumber

(Cue music)

LYONS: It's time for the fastest game show at the General Assembly... it's...

ALL (yelling): WHAT'S UP AT HELM!!!

(Lights up. Two teams of five players split. Dennis is center stage in the world's worst sports coat.)

LYONS: And now, here's your host... Dennis.... Landon! (fade music through next sentence)

LANDON: Welcome to HELM's report to the assembly, when we have five minutes of fun and games to tell you about the hard work we're doing to nurture leaders to further God's work in the world. We have with us today two teams who will be ringing in when they know the answer to the question. Let's take a moment to introduce our players. Please, everybody, say your name, home congregation, and college:

PLAYERS: (EVERYBODY ANSWERS SIMULTANEOUSLY IN ONE LARGE MUMBLE.)

LANDON: I hope you all caught that. Let's get started. Question 1: What was HELM called at the last General Assembly?

BATZKA: The Board of Higher Education?

LANDON: We haven't been that since the Carter administration. Another answer?MILLER-McLEMORE: The Division of Higher Education.

LANDON: That's correct! But we changed our name last August to Higher Education and Leadership Ministries to reflect our mission from God to develop leaders for the church. Next question: HELM Leadership Fellows are undergraduate Disciples students recognized for their leadership potential. What are the five main elements of the HELM Leadership Fellows Program?

CULLUMBER: A leadership development project, leadership conference, summer internships, a grant, and benefits that spring up unexpectedly.

LANDON: Correct. Next question: What Virginia congregation has made a gift to HELM to support a Leadership Fellow?

RAND: My church?

LANDON: Judges...

SIDEKICK: Do you go to Petunia Christian Church of Wytheville, Virginia?

RAND: No...

SIDEKICK: Then no, your answer is wrong.

LEE: Petunia Christian Church of Wytheville, Virginia?

LANDON: That's correct.(Sarcastically) Nice job of giving away the answer, judges.

SIDEKICK: Sorry.

LANDON: Don't let it happen again. Next question: STEP, the Student Ecumenical Partnership, is the central student ministry program for Disciples. What is the new mission statement from the Student Ecumenical Partnership?

HALL: We are ecumenical college students called by the Gospel of Jesus Christ to oppose injustice and transform dialogue into action.

LANDON: Correct! Excellent memorization. Next: What is the name of the event held every two years that gathers seminarians to meet Disciples leaders, learn about their church, and meet other emerging leaders?

CYPERT: The Seminarians Conference.

LANDON: Right. Next: In partnership with Disciples Home Missions, what program aims to mobilize young adults to do God's work in the church?

WRIGHT: The Young Adult Commission.

LANDON: Excellent! We're on a real roll here, which means it's time...

(Interrupted by obnoxious klaxon sound)

... for the team showdown, when the whole team gets in on the answer. Here's the team showdown question: In alphabetical order based on the third letter in the first word, list all 17 Disciples-related colleges and universities. Team one, you're first. Go!

LEE: Chapman

CYPERT: Drake

RAND: Transylvania

WRIGHT: Midway

WESLEY: Columbia

DOBYNS: Culver-Stockton

HALL: William Woods

MILLER-McLEMORE: Lynchburg

CULLUMBER: Eureka

LEE: Hiram

CYPERT: Northwest Christian

RAND: Jarvis Christian

WRIGHT: Bethany

WESLEY: Drury

DOBYNS: Tougaloo

HALL: Texas Christian

LANDON: Wow! You almost got it right! You left out Barton College.(# See note below) But that's OK. We'll give you the points on that one. Here's the second team question: In the same order, list all 7 Disciples-related theological institutions. Team two, go!

MILLER-McLEMORE: Brite Divinity School

BATZKA: Phillips Theological Seminary

CULLUMBER: Christian Theological Seminary

LEE: Disciples Divinity House of the University of Chicago

CYPERT: Disciples Divinity House at Vanderbilt

RAND: Disciples Seminary Foundation

WRIGHT: Lexington Theological Seminary

LANDON: Excellent! You must have been hanging out in the exhibit hall all week. Let's get tough here. This spring HELM received a Lilly Endowment grant in association with the Bethany Fellowships. What do the Bethany Fellowships do?

DOBYNS: The Bethany Fellowships Program brings together small groups of seminary graduates who are beginning service as congregational leaders and provides them with resources for spiritual development and discipline, mentoring, and peer support.

LANDON: It's like you read that answer off our web site! Amazing. Next: The Disciples Leadership Institute is a new initiative that will do what for Disciples?

LEE: Create an ongoing organization of younger Disciples leaders--lay and clergy--dedicated to scholarship, fellowship and mutual support around church leadership issues. Fifty percent of the participants will be from newly-formed and forming congregations.

LANDON: Good. Next, on to geography: HELM helps several congregations manage scholarship programs. Name two.

RAND: Petunia Christian Church of Wytheville, Virginia.

LANDON: Sorry, we've already used that answer. Anybody else?

WRIGHT: First Christian Church of Winterset, Iowa, and Hyde Park Christian Church of Austin, Texas.

LANDON: Good. While we're talking congregational life, how can your congregation educate high-school students about Disciples colleges and universities?

WESLEY: Pay for my entire education.

LANDON: Nice idea, but wrong.

RALPH: Worth a shot.

CYPERT: Host a college fair in partnership with neighboring congregations and planning support from HELM.

LANDON: That's right. It's all online at helmdisciples.org. Next: On what page is HELM's report in the General Assembly Business Docket and Program?

HALL: Page 216.

LANDON: You have too much time on your hands.

(Cuckoo clock)

Whoops! I'm afraid that's the end of regulation, and the score is extremely tight. Here's the final question: What is HELM's mission?

PLAYERS (All) To nurture leaders for God's mission!

LANDON: I think we have a situation here. It's all tied up at... well, I don't know what the score is, but it's tied up. Everybody's in the lead. Aw, what the heck, you all win.

(Cue closing music)

LANDON: That wraps up the contestant part of the show, so we'll clear the stage. Now it's time to get the studio audience involved. But first, our closing credits...

(All players except Dennis and Brad leave the stage as quietly as possible. Dennis removes gaudy jacket and moves to the podium to field questions.)

SIDEKICK: Mr. Landon's attire provided by DisciplesWorld - DisciplesWorld: We have better taste in writing and layout than we do in men's fashion. This show was produced before you, a live studio audience. This is your sidekick, Brad Lyons, yielding to to the moderator.

# Barton College was omitted because Team One's fifth member, who was to list Barton, had to leave before the presentation.